Is it the sign?

I came to ask this question after the recent break-up with my latest boyfriend. I thought I would be married this year after a year and 10 months of going steady.

Actually, I got the first proposal eventually after 3 months we became a couple. I thought it was too early so I told my boyfriend its not yet time. However, I encouraged i told him that we need to get to know each other better and strive to communicate constantly despite the distance as he will be working back as a seaman. Our arrangement work quite well and I tried to understand that there are times it would be after a three weeks to one month before I could hear any news from him since they are out of communication signal.

After nine months, we finally see with each other again. Then came the second proposal. This time the reason was not because I'm not ready but because my elder brother is getting married. He (my brother) would get a high priority since he is older than me and as tradition dictates marriage should come according by birth rank. So bad to follow such rule but we have to conform because our grandmother and mother are too rigid about it. I tried to bargain if we could have a double wedding but still did not work. Since I am the younger then I have to give way.

Finally, we set the date for our marriage. Before he went back to work we agreed to have our wedding on this year, 2011. However, things turn out not as I had expected. It was his birthday that he told me he had something to tell me on the day that we will meet. I tried to probe and learned that he wanted to broke up with me. It was a devastating for me. So true and was confirmed when we meet three days after. He had his reasons that I tend not to believed.

My First Experiential Exercise Paper!

I felt elated up to this writing. Last Friday I was so happy. It happen during our Positive Psychology class. Our teacher returned our first experiential exercise paper entitled Positive Introduction. While waiting for my other classmates, the teacher started distributing our papers. When I received mine, I immediately look at it expecting of the possible score  i got. However, I was disappointed as no score appeared on the paper. It was only a stamped bulb light symbol with his signature. So I go over with my paper and I started seeing positive comments like "cool", a smiley face, "You are a leader, Ann", "Ann, you write better than talk! Haha! then smiley face, and lastly "I super like this paper Ann. You give concrete examples and insights. Keep it up!"  So encouraging, isn't it?

I feel I was floating with those high praises on my paper but what really struck me was the second to the last comment. For me it was a redeeming compliment. The previous Saturday during our class in Intensive Expressive Group Art Therapy, I had a clumsy experience. It was my moment to share my weekly art journal and the Art Appreciation activity. Actually we were assigned to bring two work of art and share it to the class. I was talking so fast and my teacher was bothered and so he asked me if that was my normal speech delivery. He told me he could not understand my words. I was ashamed to my classmates and shed a tear. Then I realized that maybe I was not really understood because of my manner of delivery. It was my second time actually that my teacher asked me about this concern. I remembered back then during our Counseling and Psychotherapy class in one of our session he once asked me. Though I was embarrassed at that moment but i was considering of improving that I may be better. He assured me that everybody in class deserves to be listened to. It is his job to cut the sharing if it is too far out of the topic. Receiving such compliment on my paper gives me relief. Though I am not good in speaking but I am at writing. But i will not settle just like that. I would like also to improve on the aspect where I am weak at. 

My happy moment was heighten even more. My classmate commented that she got a remarks on her paper similar to the comment of her teacher from her other class regarding her writing skills. I was surprised when I heard Sir telling her that "You learn from Ann" Actually, she is the highest in this exercise". Bang! I felt shy because it was announced in the class. So i just told my classmate, since you are good in speaking then i have also to learn from you as it is the opposite of my writing skills. Then we both laughed.     

Parting Time

why did u ever comeback
if you just have to walk away again
i was at peace with myself after you left me...
though i was crying
though i was not able to understand your reasons
but i tried to convince myself that we parted our ways already
it was not that easy for me to accept
but i have to
there's no point on dwelling on the negative things that happen
life is like that
sometimes you experience bad things
to learn from it and to make us stronger in life.

 
but why you show up into my life again
did you realize how much you've hurt me then.
if you ever want to come back
then you have to win me back
you win my trust again
for I am afraid to hurt myself in the end
you have to convince me not only with your words
but with your actions as well

are you apt to my challenge?
will you do extra effort?
now you are silent again
i guess i am right
you just come back to bother my life
your such a cold-feet creature
why wont you take my challenge

now i have to put a period on this chapter of my life with you
and wish us both to have a happy life ahead on our separate endeavor

i choose not to be bitter
so i have to move on with my life :-)

Looking forward...

i was thrilled this morning when i was about to enter the portal in the campus... i did not expect to see mr. gorgeous... i was a bit conscious because i was not in heels... i walked fast unlike when i wear high heels it is with grace... i thought i will no longer see him for he might have stopped working or was re-assigned to the other campus.... thanks God he is still here!

it just came to my mind and asked where he might live... is he traveling everyday or he just live in the nearby boarding houses? but I guess before i can have the answers to either of this question, a formal introduction between us should take place... i am looking forward to hear his voice... how it sounds? is it melodious to the ear? but it sad to note that there is only a slim chance for that to happen as i do not know i know of someone who happen to know him or is an acquaintance of him... yet, i am thinking of an alternative... however it is a bit daring on my part... it needs courage if i will be the one to initiate a conversation with him... i thought it requires good timing for a very casual conversation to happen and appear all natural without any trace or hint... i know it is easy for me to do it with someone else but to a person i have secretly admired i don't think so.

Anyway, I still have to think about doing it.

Mr Gorgeous

he captured my moment. he look so attractive to me because of his stature - his height, body and mahogany brown hair. his mestizo look had led me to think that he is a foreigner. i had my first encounter with him at the lavatory for employees and of why on earth of all the places in the campus it was there... that was so unlikely... he was about to go out while i was about to go inside that i looked at him and we were struck eyes to eyes for a quick second.

and there it all started. i was intrigued of his whereabouts. there is no day in a week that i could not think of him... in anticipation to meet or even just a glimpse of mr. gorgeous...

early one morning in the campus as i was walking, a familiar stature was walking behind me... i intentionally decelerate my walking pace to allow him to walk ahead of me. And, then i know that we were heading on the same way for the morning attendance, the biometrics machine... i was happy for I discovered three things about him on that very day... first, he works in the campus; second, his full name has an initial of MG; and the third, he is not a foreigner but looks like he is... that knowledge of him leave me to be ecstatic for the rest of the day.

Breathe in...

These past few days i tried to alienate myself with people as i tried to reflect on my life. Deep inside of me is the burning flame of anger with a particular member in my family. As usual , it involves money issues.

Last Monday grandmother reminded me about the unsettled payment for the carpenter. Honestly, i forgot and was not able to prepare the amount due for him (carpenter). Then came the litany of my grandmother - - - as always she will remind us whoever she attacks that her money was all lost because of us and now that we have the money of our own we will not give her... This will irritates me. I don't want to be reminded of those things because i am always thinking of paying back to her. It was just that I forgot and i need some consideration.

Actually, I am on tight budget nowadays. It is just all enough to pay for my monthly boardinghouse rentals, insurance plans, house improvement loan, decent meals and everyday transportation allowance. Leisure such as movie watching and out of town trips are of least priority this time. I would rather buy DVDs and watch at home.

It is sad to note that I have no more extra budget for salon. My hair have many split ends already and is very dull. But I understand as there are some alternatives for hair treatment. I can go with coco milk treatment or aloe vera for that. However the basic needs are more important.

A seminar invitation on November 17 & 18 was received earlier but up to now i still couldn't make up my mind if i will attend due to financial constraints. I have the desire to attend because it is essential to enhance my knowledge in my profession. My officemates are willing to lend me the required amount but I am hesitant because I am not so sure if I can pay for it afterwards.

If my grandmother would only know my current financial situation, I hope she will understand. Anyway, I have no intention of airing this to her for I know that she will not listen to my excuses as she may call it.

I know I will be better after sometime. I just needed a space and the air to breathe in . Life is sometimes like this and that is what makes it worth living. If we know how to maneuver it then we will survive the petty challenges as we live life every day.

This Guy...

As the saying goes, ”it’s a mystery why we fall in love…it’s a mystery how it happens…it’s a mystery when it comes.”

I really don’t know why I fall for him. He seems the right guy for me and both feel the same way. I am happy and feel comfortable being with him. But I am not so sure if it will work…

I knew him back in college. He was once my classmate in Algebra Class. I had the chance to get to know him because one Sunday afternoon we rode the same jeepney heading to the city and that’s how I knew that he is also from the northern part of our place. However, such acquaintance of ours then was purely friendship because I knew from the start that he is choosing a religious life. After that semester, I never heard of him not until the October of 2006 when we accidentally saw each other in a certain bookstore in the mall. We exchanged greetings and the whereabouts of some of our classmates.

The advancement of technology helped a lot especially the use of cellular phones. Our communications then became constant. Everyday greetings and words of care slowly developed. We seemed to be very comfortable with each other. But sometimes my apprehensions prevail. The thought that he is a seminarian always reminds me that soon he will leave me for his true calling. But on the other side of my thought, it gives me hope. What if he is not really meant for that vocation? Its been a year that I was driving him out of my life because I don’t want him to get confused of his choices. But it seems that the more I drive him away the more he wants to be near me.

As I remember, it was this summer that he informed me through text that he is not pursuing his vocation. My heart skips a bit but still there were apprehensions. Just recently, I have decided to let myself enjoy this special feeling of mine for him which I had deprived of expressing for a long time. Maybe it is now time for both of us to let this feeling grow. And for whatever awaits us in the future, I believe we are both mature and responsible enough to bear the situations. What really matters is that we give justice to our feelings at the present.

It is really a mystery, why of all the men I’ve known, it was HIM I fall for.